i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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