I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
