at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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