dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
