I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I can text with my tongue
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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