On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
