I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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