OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
