that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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