and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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