When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
