I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I want to be your penis for a week.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
