I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
