he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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