Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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