I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize