I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
