you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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