I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
