I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
