We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You ruined the universe
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
