You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
