you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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