oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Less talking, more tequila
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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