This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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