i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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