got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
