He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
