I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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