i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
