note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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