So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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