Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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