the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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