I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
