He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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