You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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