which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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