How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
