That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
