everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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