i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
