And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
