Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I have fence marks all over my body
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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