Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
