my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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