this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
