Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
