i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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