Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Ketchup is God's man juice
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
