I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
