I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
