Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
