uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I can text with my tongue
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
