i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize