bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
