Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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