i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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