There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just took my morning after pill in the library
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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