I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
