Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
