My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He better not be in your backpack
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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