Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
